I discuss my transition to pacifism because it had a significant impact on my transition to Natalie. My worldview became centered on love. Loving those you like is easy. Loving those you don’t like is harder. Loving those who look most like you used to, such as fundamentalists in my case, is a real challenge. But nothing comes close to the difficulty I’ve experienced in loving myself. I thought I had embraced enemy love, but it took a few years of introspection, and self-loathing, to realize that I was the one enemy I had been refusing to love. This started to change when I came out to my wife. At first, it was obviously hard for her. She didn’t really understand it. She really had a need to understand. Initially the idea of transition was a non-starter. The depression and suicidal ideation continued to rage on though. Then we tried a “two lives” approach where I would bounce between Natalie and James (I cringe just typing that name), with Natalie only coming out in secret and away from the kids. The depression and suicidal ideation continued to rage on though. I certainly don’t blame her for that response. She had to wrestle with this fundamental change to our relationship. She had to mourn the loss of a husband, as well as the resentment it created in her. Transition isn’t something undertaken by an individual. In a family, when one person transitions, everyone transitions. Patience is needed by all when going through such radical change. But the depression continued to worsen. I would come home from work, crawl into bed, and just break down in tears. The dysphoria became physically painful. It was unsustainable. We had to find some way to move forward.
We had reached the tipping point. Heather had seen the way I glowed when freed from this prison. But those sporadic moments of freedom just weren’t enough. The more I had seen light at the end of the tunnel, the more I felt this overwhelming compulsion to sprint towards it. The stronger that compulsion grew, though, the more common the depression came. Heather had began learning more and more about gender dysphoria and transgender people. We finally agreed it was time to see a doctor about hormone therapy. After a few appointments, we decided to have a talk with the kids. It was hard. Just like with Heather, they had to go through a mourning process. They certainly didn't understand it. We stressed to them that we transition as a family, or we don’t transition at all. Everyone had veto power. Those first two months on hormones were surreal. The cloud began to lift. I noticed it. Heather noticed it. The kids noticed it. The depression began to improve. I had spent 35+ years being battered by a vicious storm, and for the first time, rays of sunlight broke through. We regrouped two months later and, while it took some discussion, everyone was on board. At the time, though, the plan was to only start hormone therapy. Even then I still never expected to actually live my life as Natalie.
I had been on hormones for over a year when I started getting an itch. I loved my job in Houston, but I had grown “fluent” at it. I had become bored. I loved the people I worked with, but I had been there for 8 years. Just as I was in a period of growth in my personal life, I also felt I needed to grow in my professional life. It was hard to leave. I had so many safe spaces there, but by the time I left, many of them had already left as well. The hardest part, though, was leaving our church. But I never believed I could fully be Natalie in Houston. Only a few from church knew, and while they showed nothing but love and compassion towards me, I doubted how the rest of the church would react. Time has proven that fear to be unfounded, because it’s those from our church who have done nothing but shower Heather and I with love and support since coming out. I am sorry to each of them for thinking they’d react any other way. But an opportunity arose to return to my alma mater. I couldn’t pass it up, as it was a step forward in my career I badly needed.
Texas A&M is such a unique place. I love it. Even as a child, I had always wanted to attend A&M. Unfortunately, it’s also not known as a place that’s been inclusive of the LGBTQIA community. I was initially torn on whether to accept the job or not. I knew my body was undergoing some undeniable physical changes, but I didn’t believe I could ever fully transition in this community. Not in College Station. It’s too conservative. But, even with those concerns, we moved to College Station and I began this new role. It reignited my love of HR. I absolutely love our employees. I love the people I work with. I love being able to help people, and form relationships with them. We’ve shared hugs. We’ve cried together. The employees here have bettered my life in so many ways. But, again, I never thought I’d actually be Natalie here. Then one day, I was talking with one of our managers…Victoria. I don’t remember exactly what she had said, but I remember immediately sensing a window of opportunity and safety to come out to her. Her support led me to telling two other managers, Jessie and Emily. The three of them became such pillars for me in the workplace in the fall of 2019. They gave me confidence in myself, and made me begin to think that I could actually be Natalie at work. It speaks volumes to how being a safe space can change someone’s life. I probably wouldn’t be typing this next paragraph without the support and encouragement they provided.
In early December, I sent an email to the entire management team coming out as transgender. I was flooded with nothing but support. On January 6, 2020, after 40 years of being tossed about by a relentless storm, Natalie woke up to clear skies for the first time in her life. For the first time, I stood in front of my peers as Natalie. 2020 will be unforgettable for so many reasons. Australia burning, a global pandemic, massive economic shutdown, murder hornets, global protests against police brutality in America (#BlackLivesMatter), and no baseball until July, but to me, 2020 will always be the year I truly became myself. This is the year that wiped away the tears of a frightened child pleading with God to kill her as she slept. This is the year in which the disconnect between body and mind was reconciled. It was the year my brothers met their little sister, and my parents met their daughter. This is the year the self-loathing came to an end. This is the year I truly became Natalie. So, who am I? I’m Natalie Grace Drew. I’m a child of God. I’m a wife, daughter, sister. I’m a parent of two amazing kids. My faith is stronger. My love is deeper. And now people can see the person who had been hiding behind a mask for nearly four decades. It was such a long, painful road, but I’m the woman I am today because of it. I’m the woman I am today because my wife and children, who have refused to let me push them away when I tried my hardest to do so. I am married to my best friend, and I am only alive because of her. My hope is that this helps in some way…whether it just helps you understand me better, or encourages those reading this who are still closeted. Or that it helps you see that you can be a trans person of faith. Or it encourages you to get to know other trans people. Only 20% of Americans know a trans person, and I'm one of the lucky ones who hasn't had to deal with the rejection and violence so many of my trans siblings have had to suffer through. Get to know us. Hear our stories. You'll find that we're pretty freakin' awesome!
Some much needed ‘thanks’ to wrap this up:
Mom & Dad, thank you. I know it’s been hard at times, but I know you love your daughter and I love you. Thank you to my brothers, Rob & Steve. The transition was seamless with both of you. You cannot understand just what that means to me. I love you both so deeply (this all applies to Joan & your amazing kids as well). You’ve challenged me, looked out for me, and loved me my entire life. Thank you to our church families. You blew me away with your support after I came out. I am sorry for expecting anything less. Thank you to all my coworkers, and former coworkers, who have supported me. Thank you to our best friends, Gina & Jeremy. You’ve been nothing but supportive from day 1. We thank God for that fart that brought us together lol. And thank you to every vocal ally out there. You are literally saving lives.
Most of all thank you to Heather, Reagan, and Abby. You are my life. Saying “I love you” just doesn’t seem to be enough. Y'all are my lifesavers and my best friends. Heather, each day I fall more in love with you. You reflect Christ in all you do, and have saved my life more than once. Thank you. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Komentáře