Once again, I’ve hit a lull with writing. I don’t know if it’s a lack of motivation, lack of ideas, or the fact that I get lost in Twitter and everything I would write about I end up writing on that bird app. But there have been some things that have been irking me lately, that I wish people would stop. I don’t care if you’re Christian or not, ally or not, please just stop doing these things if you wish to have any sort of respectful dialogue with trans people. Because, like it or not, we have zero obligation to engage with you. If you can’t reach a baseline level of respect, then we’ll just shut our ears and walk away.
1. Stop using the term “transgenderism”. It’s not a thing. The ‘-ism’ implies it’s an ideology of some sort. Just think how weird it would sound if we talked about “cisgenderism”. No, these are innate characteristics of who we are as people. This term is used intentionally to diminish who we are, as if it’s something we can just change like moving from conservatism to liberalism, or vice versa.
2. Stop recommending books written by anti-trans authors just because they agree with your preconceived notions on trans people. Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier is rooted in the myth of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (I’ll get to that in a minute). It’s a harmful book based on junk “science”. Here are some more books to avoid like the plague, and more importantly, here are some more books that you need to STOP recommending to others:
a. Irreversible Damage – Abigail Shrier
b. The End of Gender – Debra Soh
c. When Harry Became Sally – Ryan T. Anderson
d. Embodied – Preston Sprinkle
e. God and the Transgender Debate – Andrew T. Walker
f. Gender Ideology – Sharon James
These books are written either by notoriously transphobic authors who have no problem harming children to push their Gender Critical ideology, or (possibly) well-intentioned cisgender men who are not authorities on these topics and are simply parroting long-held talking points. Either way, they will not give you a greater understanding of trans people. If you’d like some books that will give you a much fairer perspective on trans and LGBTQIA issues, here are some recommended by a good friend who is also the parent of a trans child (Please note: since this question about sources typically comes from Christians, this list does have a faith-based slant):
a. Transforming: The Bible & the Lives of Transgender Christians – Austin Hartke
b. Heavy Burdens: 7 Ways LGBT Christians Experience Harm in the Church – Bridget Eileen Rivera (coming out in October! Pre-order now. Bridget has been such a huge inspiration to me, and is one of my most favorite people.)
c. Love Lives Here: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family – Amanda Jette Knox (please read this book! It’s so beautiful, and I cried throughout. Amanda and their family are such an inspiration.)
d. What Does God Think? Transgender People and the Bible – Cheryl B. Evans
e. God Doesn’t Make Mistakes: Confessions of a Transgender Christian – Laurie Suzanne Scott
f. Sex Difference in Christian Theology – Megan K. DeFranza
g. Understanding Transgender Identities: Four Views – I am hesitant to share this one, simply due to its inclusion of Owen Strachan (who blocked me on twitter J), but Megan DeFranza and Justin Sabia-Tanis make it worth it
h. Changing Our Mind – David P. Gushee
3. Stop talking about ROGD. And that includes the Shrier book that’s built on this “theory”. It’s not a thing. It’s a myth! Let me tell you how this theory came about. First, this study by Lisa Littman (the same study used largely by Shrier and Sprinkle in their books) is really just a measure of parental perceptions of their trans child. In her “study”, at no time did she ever interview an actual trans child. She spoke only with their parents. That’s problematic in and of itself, given that teens aren’t exactly known for being open and vulnerable with their parents, but Littman didn’t even get a random sample of parents with trans children. She purposely sought out parents from three specific websites/forums. These sites are anti-trans…like rabidly anti-trans. They are a place for non-affirming parents and Gender Critical (anti-trans) people to gather. So Littman finds parents on non-affirming websites and asks them questions about their perception of their child’s gender identity realizations. To put it in sports terms, this is like asking Ohio State graduates about their perceptions of the University of Michigan, then building a theory around it that paints Michigan in a horrible light. Surely any rational person can see how problematic that is.
Now, if only there were a study that looked into not only parental perceptions, but also the perceptions of trans children regarding their gender identity. Oh, wait! There is such a study. Actually, there are multiple studies that do just this! When you actually ask the children, as well as their parents, this is what you find:
The distance between parent and youth perspectives can be measured: For trans youth, what took two to three years appeared to their parents to take place over perhaps a season. The overall pattern is dramatic. While the youth self-identified as trans at 11.3 years, their caregivers said this happened at 13.
So what appears to the parent as this “out of the blue” rapidly onset “condition” is actually something their child has been wrestling with for years. Where parents blame the fact that their child is transgender on some sort of mysterious “social contagion”, or peer pressure, what is really at play is that these parents were not safe spaces in which their child could come out. As I tweeted recently,
“No child is being “transed” (derogatory term from Gender Crits). There is no “social influence” that is leading to your child coming at as trans. Where environment does come into play is its impact on how long it takes a child to come out. When they are in a non-affirming environment, that will take longer. In a non-affirming environment, the parents will be the last to know, and will claim that it came out of nowhere. Their child will seek out peers like them. This leads to the non-affirming parent having the perspective that it’s a “social contagion”. No, it’s merely children looking for a safe space to be open about who they are. The child is finding in their peers what they don’t find in their parents.
When they are in an affirming and loving environment, they will come out sooner. They will find safety in their parents. Their parents won’t be caught off guard. They will walk together through the wrestling. The child will have what they need most in those early days…safety and love….Parents, listen to your trans children. They know who they are. Just be there, listen, and provide a safe space for them to grow in that knowledge.”
4. STOP BEING A JERK! Seriously, we get it. You either don’t like us, don’t understand us, or don’t agree with us. In reality, we know it’s because you are afraid of that which you don’t grasp. But you don’t have to be a damn jerk about it! You don’t have to mock our appearance. You don’t have to misgender us, and I’m not even asking you to violate your conscience if you believe referring to me as she/her is wrong. You can find gender neutral terms in order to engage. You don’t have to run to your statehouse to try passing laws designed to do nothing but target trans people, especially trans kids. You don’t have to stare. You don’t have to share memes that you know are offensive and hurtful to us. We are just like everyone else. We simply want nothing more than to live our lives in peace. I want to go to a restaurant with my family and not have my anxiety sharply increase simply because I have to pee but now have to worry if someone is going to make a scene or try to stop me.
5. Stop fetishizing us! Goodness, I cannot tell you how annoying this is. I’m looking at you, “chasers”. If you don’t know, “chasers” are men who chase after trans women. To them, we’re a fetish. They’re the ones sending us DM’s telling us how beautiful we are (even after stating time and time again that I’m happily married to a cis woman), how they want to be with us, and then often in their last ditch effort…sending us unsolicited nude pictures if they haven’t yet been blocked. They typically only want one thing…sex. It’s sick. It’s vile. Stop. But it’s not just the “chasers”. It’s Hollywood itself. Disclosure is a phenomenal documentary on how poorly Hollywood has portrayed trans people, especially trans women and trans women of color. They’re, almost always, portrayed as sex workers. Of course, they never go into the complex circumstances within society, religion, and family that has resulted in the significant number of trans women who have had no choice but to engage in sex work. As I’ve had to yell at people through Twitter, “WE ARE NOT YOUR FETISH!”
The one “do”…do remember that we’re people who just want to live our lives in peace. Nobody wants to be mocked, ridiculed, attacked physically, mentally, and spiritually simply for being who they are. Nobody wants to be misgendered or deadnamed. Do remember that the “golden rule” isn’t just some naïve thing we tell children to get them to stop fighting with their siblings. If you struggled with gender dysphoria, if you were transgender, or if someone you loved was transgender, how would it make you feel to face the onslaught in public and on social media that trans people face daily. I am a Christian. My faith is central to my life. I’m a Christian in spite of how SO MANY of my fellow Christians treat me. So, in reality, this really boils down to the same thing it’s always boiled down to, and was so perfectly stated 2,000 years ago in Palestine:
“IN EVERYTHING, TREAT PEOPLE THE SAME WAY YOU WANT THEM TO TREAT YOU”