Sticks and Stones

Spending my entire life in the church, I grew up knowing all the “Christianese” terms and phrases. One that I’ve heard countless times lately is “speaking truth in love”. I’ll be honest...I would love nothing more than to retire this phrase from our vocabulary forever. In my experience, it’s most often used to give cover for hateful and demeaning comments. I can’t begin to count the number of times in the past 9 months that I’ve been condemned to hell, called a “pervert”, “freak”, “dude”, “it”, or had someone repeatedly insist that I’m a “guy”. This is typically followed with some variation of “I’m just speaking the truth in love”, especially after someone points out how hateful the comments are. The problem is that there is no love in misgendering, deadnaming, dehumanizing, or demeaning people. I always go back to the old adage that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. This phrase is utter nonsense. Words hurt. Words are often more harmful than sticks and stones, as broken bones are much easier to mend than broken psyches.

A great example of this is J.K. Rowling’s recent open embrace of trans-exclusionary ideology, typically referred to as the Gender Critical movement, and the harmful impact her comments have on trans and non-binary youth. I won’t link J.K. Rowling’s bigoted and hurtful defenses of Gender Critical ideology, as I have no desire to give it a platform. I will, however, include a great article detailing the transphobic nature of Rowling’s defense of her Gender Critical views. The problem is that Rowling’s very public defense of anti-transgender ideology has inflicted very real harm on trans and non-binary youth. Mermaids UK is a charity aimed at providing support to trans youth in the United Kingdom. They recently posted ‘A Call to JK Rowling’, in which they say:

We say it now with permission from those involved. Without giving personal detail, without betraying confidences, we must represent the seriousness of the situation. We are aware through our work with families that there have been cases of self-harm and even attempted suicide following J.K. Rowling’s statements and the public response on social media and in the press. Surely this must cause us all to pause and question the way young trans lives are being debated in public.

Far too often, especially when the topic of discussion is centered on transgender youth, people seem to forget that this isn’t some abstract issue being discussed. There are very real people who read these comments. There are very real people who are hurt by these comments. There are very real people who are so hurt by these comments, they may even seek to harm themselves. Sadly, I see many of the hate-filled comments coming from people who even sit in church pews every Sunday. These are people who, on Sunday morning, will hear how we are all created in God’s divine image and are all of immeasurable worth, then once they get home, they will hide behind the anonymity of the internet to spew hatred at some of the most marginalized people in society. I’ve even had someone tell me that their goal was to push me towards suicide.

Many Gender Critical advocates will point to individuals who have detransitioned as a way to invalidate the trans or non-binary experience. Yes, people detransition, and if they come to the realization that they truly are not transgender, then they should absolutely do what is best for them and their mental health. The problem with Gender Critical activists pointing to those who detransition as evidence against transitioning is that it ignores a couple vital pieces of information. First, the most common reason to detransition has nothing to do with a realization that one is not transgender. In fact, a 20 year study was conducted on this very question, and the most predictive factor with regards to regret after Gender Confirmation Surgery (or sex reassignment) is the lack of support from family. This is reinforced by the fact that according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the rate of suicide drops dramatically for transgender teens when their family supports them. Second, according to the National Health Service (NHS) in the UK, the detransition rate for trans youth is less than 1%. 303 trans youth were surveyed, and only 3 detransitioned! One of those, however, transitioned again. Transphobia and lack of family support is the primary reason for detransition, as opposed to “transition regret”. If you’d like to read more on the rebuttal of Rowling’s “detransition” argument, I’d highly recommend starting here. Less than 1% regret transitioning. The unbelievably low transition regret rate is even more remarkable when compared to the roughly two-thirds of women who regret cosmetic surgery.

So, if you want to “speak truth in love”, then speak words of affirmation. Speak works that don’t make others seek to harm themselves. Speak words that do not dehumanize and demean. Speak words that make others feel safe. It’s okay to say you don’t understand. In fact, acknowledging ignorance and displaying a willingness to be quiet and listen to those who live this experience is actually a sign of wisdom. We see how great an impact love and acceptance can have when it comes to lowering the rate of suicide among trans people. As someone who lived on that ledge for years, I know how much I’ve been helped along by the acceptance of those around me. I also know that had I been forced to detransition due to rejection, then that pain would have been too great to bear.

To finish, I’m going to quote The Doctor (seriously, if you don’t watch Doctor Who, then you need to do so!):

Never be cruel

Never be cowardly…

Remember

Hate is always foolish

Love is always wise

Always try to be nice

But never fail to be kind