January 6th, 2020. It’s a day that I’ll never forget. It marks the first time that I stepped into my workplace as myself. There were no more disguises. No more mask. No more pretending to be the guy that the world wanted me to be. I stepped into the world as myself. I stood in front of my peers, as an out and open transgender woman, to deliver a course on a subject that would be necessary for my survival…respect.
I stood up not knowing what the next 365 days would bring. What would I lose? Who would I lose? What would I gain? There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thrilled about my decision to stop living a lie, but it did come at a cost. People we loved were exposed. What we believed were deep and lifelong relationships were proven to be nothing but superficial rags to be tossed away by those who chose hatred and rejection. There’s been bad throughout the year, but the bad pales in comparison to the good.
Deeper friendships – Going through a transition like this takes a toll. There’s constant stress early on. I was riddled with insecurities, especially while doing simple things like getting ready for work. During those times, you need a support network - not just at home but also at work. People I counted as friends before coming out became permanent figures in my life story as they walked through this time with me. When I look back on this year, even decades from now, certain names and faces will flash through my mind. People went from someone I liked to someone I genuinely love and for whom I am forever grateful.
Lost relationships – Some surprised me. Some didn’t. I’ve been blocked on social media by my former best man. I’ve lost perhaps my oldest friend. We’ve had members of Heather’s family lash out at us publicly and privately. And while I wouldn’t call it a “lost relationship”, I’ve not seen the majority of Heather’s family for over a year now. Not lost, but definitely a change that has left me hurting. But, we've also rekindled relationships with others, so these losses have been replaced by people who genuinely love me for who I am.
Harassment – I love social media. Twitter is seriously the best, and I’ll touch on that next. But it can also be the worst. The saddest thing is that the “worst” has come at the hands of those who sit in church pews on Sunday mornings. The harassment I have received on social media has been exhausting, especially early on. The obscene bigotry hurled at me, especially from Reformed Baptists, has been relentless at times. I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid face-to-face harassment, but I did have someone recently attempt to dox me, track down my past churches, and harass them about initiating church discipline against me. Again, all of the worst, most vitriolic and bigoted harassment I have received has come from people who claim to be Christians. I experienced just a small taste of what countless LGBTQIA people have dealt with from Christians for centuries. But...
More friendships – You know, a lot of people treat relationships developed over social media as if they aren’t real friendships. Poppycock! Since coming out, I have developed some tremendous friendships with people online. Heather and I even had a video call with one family that lasted almost 5 hours. I don’t remember the last time I talked to anyone I know for that long, and it was an absolute blast! Such friendships have even opened up new communities that we'd consider moving to. The community I have found on Twitter has been such a blessing, many of them Christians reaching out and embracing me with love. They may not understand, but they have shown a willingness to love and learn. So, while there was definitely some bad from those within the church, I've been on the receiving end of so much more love and acceptance from Christians than not. This has also been the case from our previous church families!
Voice – No, not my physical voice. That still sucks, along with my masculine face (fyi, if you want to help with that, click here), but my voice as a transgender woman of faith. I have become more vocal. I have been encouraged at the number of Christians who have reached out to me privately to express how their understanding of trans people has grown, and that as they’ve learned more, they’ve found themselves to be more accepting. Baby steps. I’ve also been surprised at the number of people who, like I had done for decades, sit in churches across the country every Sunday morning while they quietly battle gender dysphoria. I have started this blog at the encouragement of one of those "deeper" friends I mentioned earlier. I will continue to use my voice, albeit a small one, because I know it's needed even if the impact is small. Again, baby steps.
Little things - This is probably the most fun aspect. I've gotten so much better at makeup. I can walk into a store to look for clothes, and be confident that I can find clothes that will look good. These are little things that I couldn't do a year ago, and are huge for my mental health...
Mental health - Oh how this has improved so much. I'm confident. I know that I'm loved and worthy of love. Our marriage is stronger than ever. My faith is deeper. The harassment I receive no longer strikes me at my core. The lost relationships don't sting nearly as much because I know it's simply their unfortunate loss. I am happy, confident, and healthy! 41 years and I can finally say that!
So here I am one year later. It hasn't been perfect. It hasn't been easy. I don't want to paint a picture that it is a smooth process, or something that's made easy simply by slapping on some clothes and makeup. Transition is so much more. It's hard to pull out that person on the inside. The one that's been scared and hiding for decades. It will never go as quickly as you want. Trust me, I'm dealing with that frustration right now. I still see the effects of testosterone poisoning on my face and body, even if others don't. There are days that nothing seems to go right, and your insecurities bubble up to scream "YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU'RE AN IMPOSTER!" But after 365 days, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: outside of marrying Heather and placing my faith in Christ, transitioning is the best decision I ever made.
Me on day 1:
Me today:
My favorite picture from the last year:
Thank you everyone for making this possible! Those who have been closest to me throughout this, please know just how much your love and support has meant. I love you all, especially my 3 best friends: Heather and the kids!
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