Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of “what would you tell your 12 year old self” posts on social media. Well, that got me to thinking about what I wish I had heard while growing through a childhood in which I felt confused, imprisoned, and scared. So I decided to write my 12 yr old self a letter just in case The Doctor shows up one day and agrees to deliver it for me.
Dear Natalie,
Please don’t be confused by the greeting. It’s addressed properly, you just don’t realize it yet. You’re about to be 41, so first of all…congratulations! You survived. I know there are times when you don’t think you will. You will marry your gorgeous best friend. You will have two amazing kids. But the next nearly three decades are certainly going to be rough. I’m sorry. You’ll stand at the ledge, looking over, and fighting the urge to end the pain by taking one more step. DON’T! By the time you reach 41, you’ll never be happier. The sky will never be bluer. The chirp of the birds will never be more beautiful. I have some advice, though, that can help get you through the rough times.
First, don’t give up. You’ll want to. You'll hate yourself. You'll see nothing but the masculine in you. But please know that you are beautiful, even though you can't see it yet. The day is coming that the pain will end. (Hint: circle January 6, 2020 on your calendar 😉). You are loved. The people who you fear will stop loving you, won’t. Mom & Dad embrace you as Natalie. Rob & Steve become some of your biggest supporters. You are surrounded with love. I know that seems like a fantasy because of where you’re at right now. Don’t worry, you escape that fundamentalist world soon enough. You have no bigger allies than your wife and kids though. Cherish them. Don’t give up on them. Don’t push them away. They are your best friends, and will constantly pull you back from the ledge. None of this could have ever happened without them. They are your lifesavers, and will walk with you every step of the way.
Second, be patient. I need to apologize to you for this. It took far too long. That’s my fault. It took me so long to work up the courage to be my true self. It was terrifying. I thought I would lose everyone - friends...family...everyone. Be patient with yourself, but also be patient with others. The future is going to bring tremendous change. You’re going to have decades to wrestle with this (again, sorry about that). Most people will only have a few months. You’ll need to be patient with them as they process who you really are. Most will want to say and do the right things, but they’ll make mistakes. Again, be patient. You love them, and most of them love you. Also, be patient with the “superficial” things. Learning how to do the little things like makeup or picking a wardrobe takes time. It’ll also take time for your body to start looking “right” to you. You’ll get there though. Trust me. You will eventually see yourself in the mirror.
Third, be prepared. You will lose people you love. Those closest to you will also lose people. Even in 2020, bigotry is a major problem. Mentally prepare yourself for the loss. Know that their hatred is their baggage to carry, not yours. Continue to love them, but don’t be burdened by their decision to lash out at you with hatred and bigotry. The world is much more open to who you are by this point, but there are still a lot of problems. It’s going to take mental strength to deal with the loss, but also be prepared for the outpouring of love. For every person you lose, you will gain 5 more. You will make amazing friends. Your friends at work will become an inseparable part of your story. Being “you” at work is a whole different animal. Their support and encouragement will give you confidence when you need it most. Your church family will leave you in tears. And yes, you finally find churches that actually love...they do exist. The amount of love and support they’ll show will leave you and your wife in awe. Honestly, you couldn’t have done it without all the support you’ll receive. So, be prepared for the highs and lows…the gains and losses.
Finally, don’t let the hate from strangers bring you down. Remember, it’s their baggage. You’ll get it all over social media (yes, you’ll find out what that is soon enough). Their small-minded opinions and ignorance are insignificant. Don’t let them win. Remember to answer their hatred with love. It’s the only way. Be kind when they lash out. Love them even when they make it hard to do so. But don’t take their bait. Don’t be their punching bag. Ignore them. Expose them. But don’t let them in your head.
So, that’s just some advice I have from nearly 30 years into your future. You are beautiful. You are loved by so many, but please know that it’s also okay for you to love yourself too. I can say this with absolute certainty - you've got this, girl!
Love you finally,
Natalie
P.S. Just a head’s up, also prepare for 2020. Oh girl, it’s a doozy. If I told you, you wouldn’t even believe me, so you’ll just have to experience it for yourself.
P.P.S. Sorry if you don’t like the name. It was my choice, not yours. What do you think I’m going to do? Let a 12 year old pick my name?!
Comments