As most are aware, I am currently trying to raise funds for facial feminization procedures. I think there is quite a bit of misunderstanding over these procedures, and more specifically over the necessity of these procedures. If I had a dime for every time I've heard “I don’t see masculinity in your face” I’d likely be able to fully fund these procedures already. I believe comments like these are fueled by the perception that such procedures are “cosmetic”. It’s hard for cisgender people to see them as anything but cosmetic, and I’ve found them hesitant to even take the step of asking a trans person for our perspective on it so I’m going to share it anyways and hope people listen. While I understand that these comments are often well-intentioned, I believe there's a segment of them that are not. I know who the allies are. I know who truly supports me. One becomes keenly aware of these things when transitioning. So I wanted to clarify that my criticisms below aren't aimed at the well-intentioned and sincere allies.
I’ve often described gender dysphoria as standing in front of a mirror with a mask on that can’t be removed. You know the real you is under the surface of that mask, but no matter how much you try, you can’t remove it. You walk out into the world and everyone assumes that the mask they see is the real you. You beg and plead with them in hopes of getting them to understand that it’s merely a mask. That the real you is underneath. It’s a terrifying experience. It feels like prison. When you finally convince people that the superficial layer is a mask, you’re greeted with demands that you continue to wear the mask anyways because it may cause others to be uncomfortable. It may force them to reevaluate who they knew me to be, so they choose denial. It’s like an innocent person serving a life sentence in prison, everyone knowing they’re innocent, but demanding they remain in prison because it may force them to reckon with the fact that the system they’re comfortable with is not what they thought it to be. What’s one person’s life if it can save everyone else some mild discomfort?
For the trans people lucky enough to actually transition, we find a way to get that mask off. There’s a problem though…the longer one has lived with that mask, the more you will see the remnants of it long after it’s been removed. Had I been able to remove the mask in childhood, and avoid testosterone-driven puberty, this would have been much easier. But I didn’t rip the mask off until I was about 40 years old. The testosterone had already poisoned my body. As a result, I’m left covered with remnants of that poison. It should have never been this way, but it is. So we’re now back in a situation that’s eerily similar to before. Instead of many cisgender people preferring I keep the mask on because to take it off would make them uncomfortable, now they prefer I not remove the remnants of testosterone poisoning because of a similar discomfort. They’ll disguise the source of this discomfort by claiming that “it’s unnecessary”, or “too costly”, or “you look fine the way you are”. In reality, I personally believe it’s because they cling to the masked version of who I used to be. They want to see the remnants because they refuse to let go of the mask I was imprisoned behind. Again, this does not apply to those sincere allies who simply don't see these remnants and are simply trying to encourage me.
What they fail to understand is that this is a continuation of the transition process. A process of repairing your body, which subsequently helps to "repair" your mind. I don’t want these procedures in order to be “pretty”. I don’t want them due to “vanity”. I need them in order to remove those remnants of a soul-crushing, dysphoria-inducing mask that I wore for nearly 40 years. These procedures aren’t cosmetic. They are corrective. They are life-saving. For years I hid who I was. For years I suffered in silence. For years only Heather and the kids saw the carnage created by dysphoria. They saw it up close. It’s why they’re unflinchingly supportive of these procedures, even if it means adding to our debt. They’ve seen me when my mental health was at its lowest points. Never again! They care far more about me as a person than they do about clinging to those remnants of who they used to think I was. Why? Because they aren’t selfish. Love isn’t selfish.
We live in a society where people would rather ignore an issue than to have their preconceptions challenged. Heck, that’s really just seems to be a characteristic of human nature. It's even easier when it comes to trans people, because as the documentary Disclosure tells us (please watch this film!), only 20% of Americans actually know a trans person. Which means the remaining 80% build their perceptions of trans people based on what they see come from Hollywood. But when your preconceptions cause harm by minimizing the necessity of life-saving care, as these procedures are, then it becomes a real problem. This hasn’t even touched upon the reality that these procedures also make day-to-day life far safer in a nation where the murder of trans women seems to hit record highs every year. Whether it’s our mental health, or physical safety, these procedures are necessary. A growing number of insurance carriers and businesses are understanding this as well, which is why we're seeing increased coverage of these procedures. In the meantime, though, it’s on us to pay for them out of pocket. That’s why I ask for help. Not because of vanity. Not because I want to look “pretty”. But because I want to be whole. I want to finally remove the remnants of that hideous mask I was burdened with for nearly 40 years. I want to be safe and healthy.
**I’ll end with this note: if you have questions, please feel free to ask me. While it’s not my job to educate others, I would prefer dialogue to someone remaining uninformed on a subject that can cause real harm to others.***
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