I came out earlier this year, and for obvious reasons, most of the conversation centered on me. Why are you doing this? When did you know? Sure there were some questions about the impact that this would have on those closest to me, specifically Heather and the kids, but the questions were directed at me and the answers were colored by my perspective.
As I made clear early on, though, this is not only my transition. There are others who have had to transition with me, and their voices often get overlooked. Heather’s voice needs to be heard. She deserves to be heard. She has such a unique perspective that even I cannot fully understand. So, here she is…my beautiful, strong, and amazing partner/best friend - Heather:
Did Natalie’s transition have any impact on your sexual orientation? Did it cause you to reevaluate that area or discover things you weren’t aware of? Or is it generally what it was before?
There were things that I discovered about myself that surprised me, but this isn't something that I've explored much. My attraction to Natalie has nothing to do with her gender, so perhaps there is a label to place on that. However, this doesn't feel like a journey of sexual orientation discovery for me, though watching Natalie evolve into the woman she is now has both empowered me as a woman to care for myself and made me fall even more in love with her.
I was actually very hesitant to call Natalie my wife for a long time, not wanting others to place labels on me. A friend sent me a link to a podcast that spotlighted LGBTQIA married couples and an interview with a conservative Christian transgender woman and her wife stood out to me, so I gave it a listen. In it, the cisgender wife expressed her issue with using the word "wife" because, as always, this question of orientation pops up. She said something that helped me with that, and it was that she realized not wanting to use that word was rooted in what others thought. So she just decided she didn't care what others thought about their relationship, and that was that! It's much more important to me to honor Natalie than to worry about labels and what that implies.
Did the transition surprise you and what work did you need to do to wrap your mind around all the change? How has your family responded?
It did surprise me, and it took me a long time to accept. Even though Natalie was still presenting as a man when she came out to me, I started thinking of her as a woman in my mind to help process the change. I was also surprised that grief hit me so hard as I worked through this acceptance; I grieved the loss of my husband and my marriage as I knew it. It was very isolating because no one knew at this point, so I had to "learn to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages,” as Charles Spurgeon is attributed to saying. A lot of crying, a lot of lamenting, and even more avoidance because that's unfortunately how I roll. But, eventually, it was the chronic depression that compelled me to fully accept Natalie. I didn't understand gender dysphoria, but I could certainly see the best "treatment" at the time was transitioning. My compassion for her trumped all feelings of discomfort and fear of rejection from family. I knew I would do this for my kids, and that she would do the same for me. To me, that's what it means to love unconditionally--to love as Jesus does.
Unfortunately, not everyone in my family feels this way. I understand, because I was once there. However, I also see how much this hurts Natalie. Ultimately, they will accept Natalie because it means they won't lose me, but I've chosen to disassociate with a few who have been unkind in their rejection. Right now, though, it's been a largely avoided topic with me (see: "that's how I roll" above). I've had a few conversations with some of my family members that give me hope that we can all just be normal one day, but there will be more conversations to be had moving forward. I definitely feel like larger family functions (with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) in the future on my side will not be a safe environments for us. We have enough chosen family and allies in our own families who keep this from getting us down. I'm thankful for those in my family who have supported us, both publically and privately.
Are y'all sharing clothes?
Not really. We don't have the same style in clothes, but we're not opposed to sharing. As the El Arroyo sign recently said, my personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car". I'm finally getting down to her size though (yes, it's annoying that she's a smaller size than me), so hopefully we can share more because I hate buying new clothes--another thing we don't have in common! We do share beauty and make up stuff, however.
Did you have to spend time away, and alone, to process that you are married to a transgender woman?
I didn't do that. I know that even if I were away, I wouldn't be present. If I'm spending time away, it would be to escape. I best process things by talking through them, so I did a lot of that with God. Jesus became my counselor because who else could I turn to?
I did spend some time away from Jesus, though, when it became clear that He wanted me to embrace Natalie and this new life for us. I fought that because I was afraid of change, afraid of rejection from family, afraid of the strong feelings against the LGBTQIA community in the church. So in all that time that Jesus was there for me, I still struggled to trust Him.
What was it like for you the first time that you and Natalie went out in public?
It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. I still felt a tension between wanting to be a part of Natalie discovering herself but feeling my husband slipping away. I had to do most of the talking because she was self-conscious about her voice, which felt weird, but ultimately I wanted to make her feel safe. Also, I was surprised by how little I cared about people around us seeing us together. I was just focused on her and seeing her finally get to be herself in the open.
Did you tell the kids together or separately?
We talked to them separately initially, with more conversations both separately and together. We lived in an RV at the time, so were obviously in constant close proximity where not much was private, including conversations. They were much more worried that too much would change than being rejected by family--that wasn't even a concern because they wouldn't have even thought of doing that. It was more about losing their dad, but once they saw the positive changes in her they were proud of her decision to care for herself.
What would you have liked to have heard, or known, when Natalie first came out to you? Something that you may tell a partner who finds themselves where you were at that point?
There are no wrong feelings. It sounds simple, but I felt so much guilt about struggling to accept a new life with Natalie that it kept me from reaching out to others who have gone down this same road.
I also wish I had known things I could have done to help her feel more like herself. Little actions I could've taken to affirm her.
There were things that I did know that helped as well, because I read them on the internet, that I would and have shared with others going through this. I was prepared to not be the focus for a while because my wife was about to go through puberty at 40 years old. I knew there would be a grieving process, though I was caught off guard by its intensity.
Thank you Heather for sharing your thoughts on these questions. You amaze me every day with your love and compassion, even when I am least deserving of it. I hope everyone will find your perspective as intriguing and inspiring as I do. Love you!
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