Finding Natalie: Q&A

So these are some of the questions that I received over the past week. I wasn’t able to get to all of them, but these are probably the most common. Also, I know this is a longer post, so I purposely put the question that is EASILY the most asked question at the very end to keep people like Heather from tl:dr this. Enjoy.

Is your family okay? How does transitioning fit with your marriage and family?

Yes, our family is okay. There were times it was a struggle. There was a mourning process that Heather and the kids each had to go through. As much as I would say “I’m the same person that I’ve always been”, it doesn’t change the reality of their perception that they are losing a husband and father. Early on, this led to resentment from Heather towards me. She not only had to mourn the loss of a husband, but she also felt as though I lied to her for the entirety of our relationship. To be honest, and I truly don’t know if I’ve told her this, but their hesitation also led to a lot of resentment from me towards them. Where they struggled with losing someone, I struggled with blaming them for being a roadblock to being myself.

The decision to transition wasn’t a singular one, but more a process, and I think this helped all of us. As much as I wanted to sprint, doing so would have left everyone behind and struggling to keep up, and in hindsight, I wasn’t even ready to sprint myself. There’s strength in numbers, and transition has been much easier because we went through this hand-in-hand. Each of us had a lot of work to do. We had so much to wrestle with and unpack. We all had our own struggles, and the timetable was different for each of us, but each of us knew that there were three others in the house on whom they could lean. It looked different for each of us, but we made it through just as we started…together.

Honestly, I think the biggest challenge was with our marriage. There were times that, at least to me, it seemed as though the only thing holding our marriage together were the kids and our opposition to divorce. That perception, though, was probably driven more by my own insecurities and complete inability to see myself as being remotely lovable. But Heather never stopped loving, even when she didn’t quite understand. As with any marriage, you go through hard times…and our marriage has seen virtually every challenge imaginable, but when you push through those, you get to the other side with a much stronger foundation. Our marriage is so much stronger than ever before. Our love is so much deeper than ever before. Our kids see this, and I believe it gives them reassurance that we’ve gone down the right path. We all see just how helpful transition has been in bringing our family closer together. I don’t think my relationship with Heather, the kids, or our family as a whole would be what they are today without transitioning.

Was it difficult for you the very first time you went out to a store as Natalie? Were you alone or with family the first time?

Oh I like this question because I get to reminisce and remember just how far I’ve come. The first time I ever “went out” was in Austin. Heather and I decided to have a date night and stay at a nice hotel. I think I had only been on hormones for about a month. Heck, I may not have even been on them yet, and I didn’t really chronicle those early days because I never thought I’d ever be where I am today. We got to the hotel – of course checking in under my “dead-name” – and we got dressed for our date night. The hotel had a nice restaurant, so we decided to play it safe and just eat there. I was riddled with anxiety. It was nerve-wracking and I could feel everyone’s stares. Now, those “stares” may have been my imagination because as I’ve learned since, I’m not the center of everyone’s universe and most people just don’t care enough to stare (although some do and I do notice it). We finished dinner, but I was far too nervous to go out anywhere else. But I was able to get that first experience out of the way, which is why it’s a night I’ll never forget…even though I wish I could forget that wig. 😂

Going out to the store, or any other day-to-day type activities, was something I didn’t feel comfortable with until coming out at work. First, there was the constant anxiety of being “caught” by someone I work with and being outed when I wasn’t ready to be out. But once I came out at work, that fear went away and took much of the anxiety with it. Second, I think there was anxiety due to not having started laser hair removal for my facial hair, and the fact that I wasn’t really good at makeup. This caused all sorts of dysphoria within me. So, if I went to the store as myself, it was typically only when Heather and Abby were with me for encouragement, but even then I tried playing it very gender neutral.

Again, coming out at work proved vital in taking away most of this anxiety. It was like being thrown into the deep end of the pool while not knowing how to swim. I simply couldn’t be anxious about it anymore. It was sink or swim time. I had no choice but to get better with my makeup, since I had to apply it daily. I had already begun laser hair removal. I reached the point where I felt right, confident, and had to own it by being true to myself. I was no longer a secret to be hidden. It also helped that I had such a great support network at work and home. I remember how my first day at work started, with Heather grabbing my hands before leaving the house and saying a prayer over me. I cannot stress just how crazy I am about her. Then coming to work and having friends who constantly built me up through those early days. I was surrounded by support. Being comfortable came really fast at that point, even to the point of going to the movies with Heather and the kids and using the women’s restroom without hesitation. Granted, Abby coming in calling out for ‘Dad’ made for some awkward moments, but we just laughed about it and moved on.

How does this affect what you believe about God? Like, does God make mistakes? Or is there a purpose to all of this?

Ah, “does God make mistakes”? I know that this question is asked in good faith, which is why I’m more than glad to answer it, but often this question is meant as a “gotcha”. Do I believe God makes mistakes? No. Do I believe that everything that exists does so in a way planned by God, as though He were sitting on a throne looking over some meticulously drawn blueprint? Not at all. I believe in free will, and to be free, you cannot be constrained to already determined blueprints that cover every single aspect/decision in life. I do believe some things are "set in stone", but most are not. We cannot truly be free agents if that were the case. The future is partly determined, and partly open. (Off topic, but if you'd like a book recommendation that covers this topic of open theism, let me know). Who knows why I’m transgender? I would say it’s an unknowable number of events throughout the entirety of human existence that has culminated in the person I am today. Why are some people born with an extra chromosome? Why are some people born intersex? Why are some born male? Female? Autistic? Left-handed? I believe in every human life, there are an unknowable chain of events that result in who we are as we enter this world. God didn’t make a mistake when I entered this world as a trans person. I don’t know why I’m transgender. I just know that it’s part of my human experience.

What I do know of God is that He loves me dearly. I do know that He can absolutely work through me to hopefully use my small voice to the benefit of others. I’ve seen it in the short time I’ve been sharing my story. People who have, for so long, been rejected by the Church have reached out to me to share what my story has meant to them. And that’s why I want to be so vocal, so people can understand that you can be transgender and a person of faith. That we aren't mistakes. We are beautiful and just like everyone else. But, I am who I am, and I don’t believe that’s a mistake.

How do you deal with that "fuzzy line" of people understanding Natalie vs understanding something theoretical?

Okay, this is a difficult question, so I hope my attempt to answer is sufficient. To start, I have to be able to define that “fuzzy line”. There are a couple ways I do this. The first is knowing the person with whom I’m talking. I’m fairly decent at reading people, so I can usually tell if they genuinely desire to understand me and my experience. For example, there are those from our old church who are so genuinely filled with love, that when they ask me questions, I’m confident their intentions are pure and they are trying to truly understand me and who I am. I love questions from those who are genuinely seeking to “understand Natalie”. Which leads to my next method of making that determination, and that’s the depth of the question. In my experience, those who genuinely want to understand me and my experience will ask questions that are deeper. They will ask questions that get to the root of my experience, which will result in empathy. They ask to learn. Those who are simply wanting to understand something theoretical will typically stick to more general, superficial questions that may elicit interest, but not empathy. That's not to say there's no place for the superficial questions, even from those who are trying to understand me. Those can certainly be fun, but only with those who have proven themselves as wanting to understand me.

So, when I believe a person is trying to truly “understand Natalie”, I will be more open to provide deeply vulnerable answers. This also makes me comfortable answering more superficial questions that I wouldn’t otherwise, because I know it’s more than just morbid curiosity. Those who are seeking to satisfy some superficial, “theoretical” curiosity, I will try to provide deeply vulnerable answers that aren't meant to address their superficial questions, but will hopefully force them to see me as more than a “theoretical” curiosity, but draw them towards empathy. They will either engage in a deeper dialogue, or there will be an awkwardness that ends the conversation.

How do you remember your own long journey of self-acceptance in context with other's understanding and acceptance of you and your transition?

Needless to say, I believe everyone was caught off guard with my transition. They didn’t know the pain I had suffered. To those on the outside, I was your standard white American male. I was good at putting a mask on my suffering. One of my bigger challenges is forgetting that I’ve been on this trip for nearly 40 years, whereas most people have just taken the on-ramp to this journey. I’ve had the ability to wrestle for years. Part of me wants to call that an advantage, but I’m not so sure. Yes, I’ve had so much more time to wrestle with these questions and struggles, but I’ve also had tremendous suffering throughout that has shaped me and of which most people are ignorant. Those who have just started this process of understanding me and my transition, haven’t had the time I’ve had to wrestle and come to grips with all of this, and they also aren't familiar with the suffering I’ve gone through for nearly 40 years. Without understanding that suffering, it becomes extremely difficult to understand me and my transition, which is why I have to constantly remind myself that I must be patient and show grace.

So when I remember my journey in context to how others understand me and my transition, I realize that my memories are so heavily influenced by my internal suffering, whereas other’s understanding is absent this. This is why I focus so much of my story on that suffering, because I hope it will help others understand and accept me for who I am.

Physical changes…do you have much choice in them? What kind of changes have you seen?

Not really. Just the luck of the draw with how a body responds to the hormones. I mean, I do have some choice, but that would typically require several thousand dollars that I’d rather use for new tattoos instead. Although, to be honest, having to look at my face in the mirror, I have considered Facial Feminization Surgery, but again…$$$. The change I've been most surprised with has been with my feet. My feet have shrunk about 2 shoe sizes. Also, Heather and I held our hands up to each other the other day, and it appears my hands have gotten smaller, as our hands are now close to the same size. Those are some of the more subtle changes, and doesn't include many of the standard physical changes that any woman goes through during puberty.

What has been the hardest part of your transition?

The rejection from friends and family. I knew it would happen, but it stings nonetheless. I really hate that much of it has come from Heather's side. She has lost people with whom she grew up and loved all because she has continued to love me through my transition. It seems unfair to her, but she also won't let it deter us. Conversely, one of the best parts has been the way that so many more have wrapped their arms around Heather and I to affirm their love and support for us.

Okay, now this is the most common question I hear – so, does this mean you, and subsequently Heather, are gay?

First, I will say that I’m hesitant to address this question, as is Heather. Especially as it relates to Heather...it is her story and hers to tell. But, she’s agreed to let this be addressed here since this question is so common, so here we go.

As for me, I am a trans woman. Trans women are women. Just as cis women are women. I am a woman. I am only attracted to women. So, yes, I would identify as “lesbian”. But, it’s more than that. My attraction is really only for my beautiful, Christ-centered wife, Heather. I have no desire for anyone else. She’s the beginning and ending of my attraction. That's why I don't use the term "lesbian" often because it is encompasses more than Heather, and that just doesn't feel right to me.

As for Heather, this is far more complex. First, the easy part…like me, her attraction is only for her wife. She doesn’t desire anyone else but me, although when Joey Gallo comes up to bat I question whether this is true or not lol. But, I don’t believe it would be accurate to say that she identifies as “gay”. She affirms that I am a woman, because #transwomenarewomen. Her attraction to me, though, is not because I’m a woman. So, how she would answer this, at this point, is probably **insert woman shrugging emoji**.

Well, I hope this answers some of your questions. There are additional questions that were sent, but I’m already nearly 3,000 words into this, so I can address those at a later time or individually. I really do hope this helped and give you some insight into my transition and how we as a family are walking through it. Thank you and please feel free to reach out any time if you have questions. We can’t understand if we don’t ask questions with open minds and hearts. Thank you.