These are exciting times, especially for a life that has been marked by depression, self-loathing, and a total lack of self-confidence. This has had the tendency to stunt the happiness that would usually be derived from positive news or events in my life. Throughout my life, I just knew that any happiness would be fleeting and that I’d find myself in the crosshairs of the universe again and all that was good would soon come crashing down. But 2020 has been a year of discovery for me. I have discovered my confidence. I have discovered who I truly am. And as a result, I have discovered my voice. This latest discovery is the one by which I’ve been most surprised.
I had never expected to find a voice. Obviously I’m not talking about the pitch and tone of my physical voice. I still hate that, but that new-found confidence has helped tremendously in not allowing that to drag me down the path of dysphoria. But I never expected to find my voice, much less to use it to speak up as a transgender woman…especially a trans woman of faith. I believe it started with this blog. I’m certainly no accomplished blogger, and my voice is miniscule at best. I’m excited if 100 people read any particular post I upload. It may not be a large voice, but it’s my voice.
Then a friend who works with The Woodlands Pride reached out to me to see if I’d be interested in taking part of a small series of profiles they run on social media this time of year. There’d even be pictures involved! If anyone knows me, this is so far outside my comfort zone that I even surprised myself in agreeing to it. It turned out so great! (Again, thank you Rachel!) Shortly after that offer, I was given the opportunity to join the Reknew podcast to discuss being a transgender Christian. This is the podcast for pastor and theologian Greg Boyd. No theologian has had a more profound impact on my faith and understanding of God than Greg, and it spoke volumes of the Reknew team (thanks Dan for this opportunity!) that they would have me on, given the backlash that seems inevitable when the subject of trans people is broached on a Christian platform. This was such an awesome experience that I’ll never forget. Plus it totally made Heather jealous that I got to talk to Greg and Dan. 😉
This isn’t meant to pat myself on my back because, as I said, my voice is such a small one. I just happened to know the right people. There are so many others out there who are of greater authority on the subject than myself. But this is really about recognizing one of the many positives that have been borne from my transition. I knew the physical changes would come. I was confident, or hopeful at least, that my mental health would improve. I never once expected finding my voice. I’m so glad I did, because it’s led me to build so many more relationships with people around the world. It’s also helped me see just how much of a blind spot the subject of gender identity has been for the church, as I’ve had many reach out to me privately to talk about their own struggles with their gender identity while living in that tension found as a closeted trans person sitting in church pews.
This experience has also forced me see that all people have a voice, whether they realize it or not. Some will use their voice for good. Some will use it for evil. Sure they may not have a blog, be authors, or activists crying for justice through a bullhorn. They may just be the person posting transphobic memes on Facebook, or billionaire authors who seem to be more consumed with harming trans people than they are with using their talent to fuel the imaginations of countless children. They may just be the person putting a “frame” around their profile picture during Pride month signaling to those around them that they want to be a safe space for the LGBTQIA community, or they may produce films aimed at highlighting the harmful ways trans people have been depicted in Hollywood throughout the last century. Those acts, great or small, are each far more profound than they realize. They have ripple effects which will either lift up, or cut down.
So, I’ve decided to use what little voice I have for good. I’ll use it to help those who can relate to my story as a transgender woman. I’ll use it to proclaim my faith in Christ. I’ll use it to help others understand my experience, in the hopes that it will plant a seed of empathy within them that will bloom when they encounter other trans people. Or I’ll use it to simply point others in the direction of those who know more…such as the amazing people who put together this immense collection of studies and information that will help countless others gain a deeper understanding on the subject.
Who knows? I may even try my hand at writing a book.