I am an open theist. I don’t believe in some divine blueprint in which we are simply acting out a script that has already been settled from before creation. I believe in free will. I do believe, though, that God works through the winding, “unsettled” river that is our life trying to guide us closer to Him. I believe that we see the gentle, subtle guidance of His hand when, for instance, certain people randomly come into your life. I’ve seen this throughout my life, but most recently with my friend Lori. Lori is a therapist that Heather and I met in an online book study group. It also turns out that Lori specializes in EMDR therapy for PTSD and trauma. Long story short, a person who was skilled in the very thing I needed, yet lives nowhere near us, just so happened to cross our paths at the perfect time.
All that leads to these past couple weeks. Something I’ve struggled with for most of my life is a feeling of immense unworthiness and self-hatred. I was, at my core, broken and fundamentally unworthy. Unworthy to be loved, or even tolerated, by others. Unworthy to be loved by myself. And even unlovable to God. This is what happens when you grow up in a hyper-fundamentalist world as a trans girl who doesn’t even have the words to understand who you are. This unworthiness was pounded into my heart and mind every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. It was reinforced throughout the week. Most of the time, it was reinforced by people who had no idea they were doing it and would have been heartbroken to know they were. Heck, I was so beaten down that I probably didn’t even know they were doing it at the time…well, I knew the pastors and clergy in the IFBC world were. It was obvious, as they had no problem telling you that to your face how horrible you were.
I began EMDR with one goal in mind – stop hating myself. To do that, we had to unpack a lifetime of trauma - whether it was the 5th grade teacher who pulled me up to the front of the class just to mock me for my weight, or the church leader who tried to scare kids so badly about their idea of “hell” that it would traumatize them to the point of praying a prayer. My first exercise was to create a “hit list”…a list of all the trauma, or “hits”, throughout my life. I stopped at 50. I was honestly skeptical early on, because I didn’t believe I could ever actually not hate myself. As evidenced by the length of my "hit list", there was simply too much to resolve. Sure, things have been better since transitioning, but I still had those lingering feelings of self-hatred. It wasn't pervasive, but it would rear its vicious head at the worst possible times. They didn't consume me, but they were there. But unpack we must, so we started.
I won’t go into the details of how EMDR works, because I don’t fully understand it myself. It’s why I’m am an HR Manager and not a psychologist. I certainly won’t go over the specifics of everything that was discussed. Don’t get me wrong…if you’ve read my other blog posts, you already have a solid idea of some of the major traumas we were having to address. But, in the end, the focus was on reaching that goal of no longer hating myself. That brings me to yesterday.
Due to work, I had to reschedule therapy for Sunday morning. Again, I cannot stress just how amazing Lori is to be willing to reschedule for a Sunday morning. I went into the session a little stressed though. Not because of the subject we were addressing, but because I REALLY wanted the Aggies to make the College Football Playoffs, and I was worried the session may not end before the announcement (I’m just kidding…mostly. And yes, we were robbed!). As we began, I started talking about the past couple weeks, and just like in a movie when everything starts falling perfectly into place to set the stage for the climax, I began to see that alignment taking shape.
I realized just how important “coming out” is. There was still one little pocket in my life where I hid in a closet. Where I lied about who I am. It was a community in which I’ve been actively engaged for 22 years. For some reason, I was hesitant to reveal who I actually am. As I was detailing to Lori about finally coming out, I began to realize that the refusal to do so was the source of this lingering whisper that repeatedly uttered “see, even you know you’re unworthy. They’ll reject you, and prove your self-hatred right.” This was such a small corner of my life, but those little splinters can fester and the infection can spread. But, this past week, I removed that splinter. I removed that whisper of self-hatred. In doing so, I began to notice these traumas began to unpack right before my eyes. When I would close my eyes and place myself back into my old church that was consumed with hatred and bitterness, I no longer felt unworthy. I no longer felt the need to stay in the “ditch of smallness”, where I see myself as unlovable and wholly contemptible. I began to see that the walls of those old fundamentalist churches were, in fact, formed by the sides of this toxic ditch. Now, with my eyes closed, I pictured myself sitting in those church pews where I experienced such immense trauma, but instead of fear and self-hatred, I felt pity. Pity for those who freely choose to live a life without love, as many fundamentalists do. I knew, for the first time ever, that I had pulled myself from that ditch (with Lori’s loving help).
Those church pews were the start of it all, which is also why I must be on guard with that pity. Knowing the trauma inflicted on myself and others, especially my LGBTQIA siblings, by these fundamentalist (and sadly even non-fundie) churches, that pity can easily transform into anger. That anger can then spiral into contempt, which will once again give these purveyors of pain power over me. Vigilance is necessary, because it is always hardest to show grace and compassion to those who reflect who you used to be. I finally felt worthy though. I removed that one dark corner in which I continued to whisper “you aren’t worthy. They’ll reject you, and prove why you should hate yourself.” But it was the EMDR therapy that allowed me to finally “re-process”, or “re-frame” these traumas (sorry if that’s not the right word, Lori ;))
For the first time in my life, I woke up today without any lingering dark, remote corner of self-hatred in my life. Am I flawed? Absolutely. I still need to recite "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" daily. But there are no areas of hiding. I know, and actually believe, that I am loved…loved by my wife, our kids, our friends, myself, and most importantly, my God. For the first time in my life, I can confidently apply Psalm 139:14 to my life:
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.
***
If you would like more information on EMDR therapy, here are a couple links:
Also, I reference the “ditch of smallness” in this post. This comes from Dan Kent’s amazing book, Confident Humility. I highly recommend reading this book (link). Dan is a fantastic author, and even better human being.
Comments